What The Ladies Want
by Sniper Wolf and Her Sniper
Summary: Based on the movie. Van has the secret to all women and being king, but now Folken wants it to! Will the goddess be able to help him? *CHAPTER TWO UP!*
1. The Owner of the Ass Lines

What The Ladies Want  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Escaflowne or anything from it. Sorry.  
  
NOTE: For those of you who have seen the Escaflowne Movie, remember the part where Hitomi helps Van in the Black Escaflowne? Remember the tree and how Van shrinks to a little five year old? If you watch his butt, you see little butt lines they drew to show his ass. My friend, Holly and I, thought that was funny for some reason. We call them "Ass Lines." That is what this fic is based on. Get ready for weirdness!  
  
  
  
Rated PG-13 for the word "ass" a lot.  
  
BASED ON THE MOVIE  
  
A LONG TIME AGO. . .  
  
Ten year old Folken shut his book and glanced around the room. It was silent. Everyone looked quite pale and sick. His mom's wails came from the bedroom. I'm gonna have a brother! Folken thought, grinning. Well, at least he hoped it was a brother, or else that would have sucked wouldn't it? Folken leaned down to pick up a magazine called, "Mullet Style!" He always wished he would have had a mullet. Some old women's foot was on it.  
  
"Hey? Lady?" Folken said, nudging the sleeping old granny.  
  
The granny didn't move.  
  
"Granny? Shove it! Move it! You're on my mag!" Folken hissed.  
  
She snored.  
  
"GET YOUR FRIGGEN FOOT OF MY MAGAZINE!" screamed Folken.  
  
The granny leapt up and Folken grabbed the magazine, opened it and started reading.  
  
  
  
"He has much anger." Said an oracle.  
  
"Yes he does."  
  
"Should he be the one to get the legendary Ass Lines?" spoke a pink oracle.  
  
The white oracle shook his head, "Such anger could be bad."  
  
"The Ass Lines must go to someone who will bring peace to Gaea, not hate."  
  
The green oracle leans over to the director, "Am I on? Oh," He sees the red light, "Um, perhaps we should give it to the new son, Van?"  
  
"How did you know his name?" asked the pink oracle.  
  
"I'm an oracle, remember?"  
  
"Fine then, we grant Van Fanal the legendary ASS LINES!"  
  
*holy music: Assssssss - liiiii-nnn-eeess *  
  
  
  
Folken shut the magazine because he heard a baby wail. Folken leapt up, as the granny did the same time.  
  
"I'm going see Lord Van first." She hissed.  
  
"No way, granny!" cried Folken.  
  
The two ran to the bedroom door, Folken slamming into her. She groaned.  
  
"My hip!"  
  
Granny hit the floor and Folken ran into the room to see his father raise up a little baby.  
  
"Varie!" his father cried.  
  
Varie looked up, "What?"  
  
"Look, Van, he has. . ."  
  
He spun him around to Varie who gasped.  
  
"Is everything OK?" asked Folken.  
  
His father turned to him, "Folken, your brother, Van, has the Ass Lines!"  
  
*Assss - Liii-nnn-ee-sss *  
  
Folken stuttered and ran out of the room.  
  
Everyone knew what it meant if you were born with the Ass Lines. Ass Lines brought you good luck and charm to your life. Women loved you, and men wanted to be your friend. It was no doubt the oracles would make Van king. Why didn't he get the ass lines? Folken should have gotten them. He was better than some wimpy little baby. Folken ran to his room and cried.  
  
FIVE YEARS LATER  
  
"I can't go to the dance with you, Folken. I'm going to the dance with Van."  
  
"But he's a five year old!" cried Folken, feeling anger he felt too well over the last five years.  
  
"I'm sorry!" the girl said and ran away.  
  
Folken felt anger rise into his throat.  
  
"Brother!"  
  
Folken turned around to see Van, running to him. He was naked.  
  
"God damn it, Van, get some clothes on." Folken grumbled, looking in the mirror, happy to see at least his mullet was coming along well.  
  
"But daddy said that he wants everyone to know I have Ass Lines."  
  
*Assss-lll-iii-nnn-eee-sss! *  
  
"We all know you have Ass Lines, you've been running around naked for the last five years and it is just getting gross!"  
  
*Assss-lll-iii-nnn-eee-sss! *  
  
"And what is this talk about you going to the dance?"  
  
"I am! Even though I am five, I can still go because I have Ass Lines. Why don't you brother?"  
  
*Assss-lll-iii-nnn-eee-sss! *  
  
Folken grumbled and left Van by himself.  
  
Van, I'm going to show you. On the day of the oracle choosing, they will pick me to be king! Just because you have Ass Lines doesn't mean jack squat!  
  
*Assss-lll-iii-nnn-eee-sss! *  
  
Shut up stupid chorus! Folken hissed, slamming his bedroom door.  
  
"I won't lose to some Ass Lines!" Folken cried.  
  
*Assss-lll-iii *  
  
"SHUT UP!" Folekn wailed.  
  
They did.  
  
For now. . .  
  
TBC  
  
Ok, I understand that was weird. I know it was stupid. Don't bother flaming me, because I'm still going to write it. Review please.  
  
-Sniperwolf and her Sniper 


	2. The Showing of the Ass Goddess

What The Ladies Want  
  
Disclaimer: MWHAHAHA! I have returned with the second chapter! I do not own Escaflowne or Van's ass lines.  
  
Note: Actually, I thought Dilandau had the BEST ASS OF THEM ALL! This is just poking fun of the drawings on Van's ass.  
  
This is for my friend, Holly! ^_^  
  
CHAPTER TWO  
  
5 YEARS LATER. . .  
  
Folken was staring in the mirror, combing his mullet. He had once again shoved down the anger. He knew the anger all too well. Van, his 10 year old brother, and his stupid Ass Lines.  
  
I should have gotten them. He snapped to himself, combing harder, making sure his mullet looked all pretty.  
  
He could hear Van being surrounded by all the other twenty year old women.  
  
The women who are SUPPOSE to be falling over ME. He hissed in his brain.  
  
He had put up for this for way to long. No matter. Soon the oracle would chose who to pick to be king and no doubt it would be him.  
  
It had to be.  
  
  
  
1 WEEK LATER  
  
Everyone sat in the seats. Van and Folken were crouching down in front of the oracle, waiting for it to pick the best king. Van was naked of course, he always was. Folken tried to relax, but all the girls wouldn't shut up about how cute Van's ass lines were.  
  
Morons. All of them! He thought to himself when the oracle spoke.  
  
The "Oracle Reader" some old dude who could understand what the oracle could say, nodded and turned to the crowd.  
  
"The new king of Adom is. . .VAN!"  
  
Everyone cheered and Van was soon swamped with people. Folken felt more anger than ever before. He stood up and marched to his bedroom.  
  
It was time for Adom to burn.  
  
3 YEARS LATER *We sure skip time, don't we?!*  
  
  
  
ON EARTH. . .  
  
A young schoolgirl with brownish hair was running around, giggling with her other friend.Then she stopped quickly.  
  
"Hitomi?" asked the girl, "Is something wrong?"  
  
"Can you hear it?"  
  
"Hear what?"  
  
"The Ass Lines calling me. . .?" Hitomi whispered.  
  
The other girl sighed, "Geez, Hitomi, did you smoke up in the bathroom again?"  
  
Hitomi's eyes slanted, "Um . . .No, Yukari."  
  
The girl, now known as Yukari, sighed, "Yes you did. Now you're hearing voices!"  
  
"Sorry!" Hitomi shook her head, "Hey, I'm starved. Let's go eat."  
  
"Muuunchies. . ." Yukari taunted and they ran off giggling, Hitomi harder than Yukari.  
  
  
  
ON GAEA  
  
Van ran quickly from Adom. It was set on fire, all burning to the ground. Van fell to the ground, naked.  
  
"Adom . . .brother, why? Why did you burn it?!" He cried to no one.  
  
He had seen Folken there . . .And the author just remembered his name was "Dune" not "Folken" but whatever! Folken had set the village of Adom to the ground.  
  
Van stood up and raised his hands up high, "I VAN WILL KILL MY BROTHER FOR I AM THE SECRET CARRIER OF ASSFLOWNE!"  
  
Oh god, how did I come up with THAT?  
  
  
  
Folken looked straight ahead at the singing girl.  
  
"Sora, has the Ass Goddess fallen yet?"  
  
Sora shook her head, "No Dune - er, Folken. See, I tried, but she was high and didn't think twice of it."  
  
Folken said, "Damn weed. No matter, I still have a plan. I found someone who might have some ass lines."  
  
"Two pairs of ass lines?!"  
  
"Yes." Folken spoked and snapped his fingers.  
  
A naked boy with silver like hair was dragged in.  
  
"Who is he?"  
  
"I dunno. While I was searching for some mullet shampoo, I found him out with wild dogs."  
  
"And you think he has the ass lines?"  
  
"Yes. We shall call him. . .Dilandau!" Folken said and laughed an evil laugh.  
  
The boy, now known as Dilandau raised his head and barked. Folken did that force grip thingy.  
  
"Yeah, no barking. It's annoying." Folken snapped.  
  
Dilandau fell silent.  
  
Sora turned to Folken, "Well, what now?"  
  
"What now you ask? Why we skip 2 years in the future!"  
  
Sora nods, "OK!" She starts to dance, "Let's do the time warp againnnnnn!"  
  
Folken funks and then we go forward in time, because the author cannot believe how unreal this story is.  
  
  
  
2 YEARS LATER. . .AFTER THE TIME WARP. . .  
  
ON EARTH. . .  
  
Hitomi is chilling on top of the roof, thinking about how depressed she is. Her shoes are off, too. Yukari comes tripping out and stops, covering her nose.  
  
"What's that stink?"  
  
"Huh? Oh, it's my shoes."  
  
"Gross, get the back on."  
  
Hitomi does, thankfully, and stares up at the sky, as two birds fly over here. She jumps up.  
  
"Oh gross!"  
  
"What?!" Yukari cried.  
  
"That bird shit on me!"  
  
Yukari pointed and laughed, "Hahahahahahahaha-"  
  
Another bird crapped on Yukari.  
  
"Ok, you know what, this is stupid!" Yukari cried.  
  
Hitomi rubbed her eyes, "I feel different."  
  
"Perhaps it is because you have crap on your shoulder?" Yukari pointed out, helpfully.  
  
"No. It is because I feel like something major is going to happen."  
  
"Like another bird will crap on you?"  
  
"WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT THE BIRD CRAPPING?!" Hitomi cried.  
  
"Sorry."  
  
Hitomi looked up at the sun, "I wonder what will happen. . ."  
  
  
  
TBC  
  
Geez. . . I am very scared of myself right now. LEAVE A REVIEW! Thanks!  
  
By the way, the Time Warp thing was for my other friend *You know who you are!* 


End file.
